My best friend's hygiene is really grossing me out.

I really hate making this post, because it makes me feel so incredibly guilty to feel this way, but I feel like I need an outsider's perspective.

Some background, I (38f) have been friends with Jenny (fake name, 37f) since high school, so more than 2 decades, we live on opposite sides of the state, so she frequently comes to my place and spends the weekend a few times a year. She has a pretty severe mental disorder (depression) and so she lives with her mom, I genuinely believe that she cannot live alone and due to her depression, she also cannot work. It's hell for her and I know it is. I have education in behavioral science so I definitely understand how debilitating a mental disorder like that can be. I have also dealt with my own mental health in the past.

Another side note and Jenny doesn't know this, but I absolutely refuse to stay at their house, not because of her mom or anything, her mom and i get along really well. She is a wonderful, supportive and loving mom to Jenny. But their house is like a hoarders house and it's just terrible. I've nearly broken my ankle walking down their stairs because there is just so much useless crap lining the walls.

On to present, in late 2023 my uncle passed away from dementia. It wasn't surprising, but it was sad and it is hard watching someone you care about not even be able to remember your name or who you are even though I'd known him most of my life. A few years prior, her step-dad had passed away which was really difficult for her and I think triggered a lot of depression. I drove to the other side of the state to be with her because I love(d?) her and wanted to show my support.

My uncle's funeral was in May of 2024 and it was on her side of the state (that's where he and my aunt live, she is still alive) and so Jenny came to the church to support me, which was nice, and I had also asked if she would join me because I wanted to see her.

Here is where I just feel like a crap person, but Jenny's teeth were... orange. And I don't mean like just ate something that stained your teeth, no I mean like they were mossy, as if she hadn't brushed them in a long time. I am a pretty clean person and very hygienic so that really bummed me out.

I started thinking about it more and more and in all the times she has spent the weekend at my place I have seen her brush her teeth once. ONCE. Last time she was here she wanted to get some jewelry and was going to hang out while I had work that day (part day), but she hadn't taken a shower in three freaking days and was about to go to this place where they were going to be definitely up close and personal (facial jewelry) with her. I told her that she definitely needed to bathe before, so she took a super quick shower, but like ew... she would have gone without bathing for three days there and just been fine with being all gross and nasty?? I didn't notice a smell but maybe i was nose blind???

The thing is, this is really where I am starting to just feel so ugh about this relationship because in 2024 (and I know this is partially her mental illness) but she ghosted me for three months. I know she has a history with suicidial ideation (suicidal thoughts and actions for those who don't know) and so for THREE MONTHS I wasn't sure if my friend just wanted to not speak to me anymore (very unlike her) or had freaking killed herself. I remember sending her several texts over the course of those months and asking her, BEGGING her to please just let me know that she was okay and I didn't hear anything.

She comes back after three months and texts me like nothing had happened. I didn't respond for three days which is also unlike me, but I was so upset I knew I was going to say something I regretted if I didn't take the time to meditate on it. The thing is, she keeps referring to me as her bestie, but I just don't know if I feel that way anymore. I started asking myself why, if it was just a hygiene thing (again, i don't usually smell anything, but maybe I am nose blind), but then I started thinking about every time she has come here.

I'll be making up a bed for her, because I live in an apartment and so I have a nice queen size inflatable mattress that I'll blow up for her, or I'll make the couch up, because the couch is super comfy and she will just sit on her phone and watch me struggle and never offer to help. She doesn't clean up her messes, she lets me do everything for her. She has never done a dish, she once accidentally dyed my tub blue because she wanted to dye her hair, she told me she would clean it up and never did. Luckily it washed out, but only becasue I did something before it set in, so if it wasn't for me, i would have had a blue stained tub. She lets food sit out for hours which really grosses me out, because guess who doesn't want cockroaches (crazy, I know). And then she gets annoyed when i want her to put her food away, which she doesn't do, because I do it for her.

I'm starting to feel less like a bestie and more like a second mother. There are other things too, like we go shopping which I really don't enjoy and after about an hour I feel the desire to just leave screaming inside me, like I need to get out NOW, it's just so fcking boring!!! And she will take longer knowing it's making me stressed out and has admittedly told me that she does it on purpose because she knows how I feel and I guess she finds it kind of funny that I'm feeling distressed. I get shopping isn't that big of a deal but some people are really into it and others aren't and I really don't give a flying fck about shopping.

I was talking to my parents about it the other night and I had mentioned all this to them and my dad said something along the lines of, wanting people in your life that make it better, and she doesn't really make my life better.

A huge part of this is that I am just so hurt that I spent three months wondering if my friend had killed herself, and just getting ready to freaking mourn her, and she can't even just send a simple emoji, ANYTHING to let me know she is okay!??!

The thing is too is that in order to become friends, you share your life right? You share difficulties and vulnerabilities, well I don't really do that anymore, because I kind of just don't want to. I don't feel like I want to share my life with her, and she really doesn't share hers with me. She asked me to if she could visit on Valentines Day weekend and I told her I had a doctor's appointment, but really I was using it as an excuse because I don't want to see her.

Advice would be appreciated.

Edit: I have a lot of people responding and I appreciate it, I'll try and respond to most, if not all of you. One thing I have noticed is people mentioning that she needs professional help and as far as I know (because again she really doesn't tell me much) she does have professional help on a consistent basis.

Anyone else wondering this too, there is childhood trauma in her life. Another thing people have asked me, is why didn't I contact her mom? I do have her mom's number and I thought several times about contacting her, but I didn't have a great mental state either at the time and I was absolutely terrified I was going to find out something that I couldn't handle. I was so scared I was going to find out devastating news.