Husband left and went no contact after agreeing on R

When I was in the thick of my postpartum depression and psychosis, my husband was just living his life as normal, paying zero attention to me, not helping with the baby, hanging out with buddies all the time, etc. I tried to bring this up to him and he turned it around on me every time.

An old friend texted me to catch up. It was innocent until day 4- inappropriate texts and photos were sent.. he asked to meet up, and I cut all contact right there. I know it was wrong, but the attention and compliments felt nice. Still no excuse.. My husband found out before I got the chance to tell him and I panicked and said it didn’t happen.. then when I could tell that it actually did bother him, I told him everything.

He left, understandably, but after I told him what I was going through, he came back and apologized for failing me as a husband and leading me to feel like I had to get attention from somebody else, and we decided that we would work together to rebuild the trust that I had broken.

I have hated myself for what I did ever since it happened because I can tell that it’s had a negative effect on him, but I poured every single thing that I had into reconciliation efforts over the last five months. It was the best that our relationship has ever been, and I had never felt more loved by him than I did during that time.

The person that told him about this and sent him the screenshots reached out to him again in November to say that the other person involved has sent those photos to another person. I reached out to this person and discussed everything, and that was that…. or so I thought.

He started acting distant in December, and began hanging out with his buddies a lot. I mean like from the time he got off work until it was time to go to bed and on weekends, it was all day and all night. The Saturday before New Years Eve, he was out with his buddies until 7:30 Sunday morning, and then from 1 PM - 2 AM Monday morning. He was texting me the entire time and was acting like his normal sweet self. Telling me how much he loved me, saying that we needed to take off and spend a weekend together by ourselves, etc. Come Monday, after hardly getting any sleep all weekend, he spent the evening at home with me and our 19 month old son, and went to bed around 9:30. All of the I love you’s, kisses, etc. ..and that brings us to Tuesday, New Years Eve. He’s acting really weird, being really short, not returning any of the I love you’s. He said that he was tired of not knowing what to feel or what to believe, and just wants to be happy again. I told him that I understand, and I will stop at nothing to give him what he needs for as long as it takes.

I had planned a date night for us that evening, and took our son to my mother-in-law. I brought home supper for my husband and I, and I was so excited for some time just to connect with me and my husband. He was still acting strange, so I brought him his dinner and sat down beside him, and asked him what was on his mind and how could I help.. That man berated me and tore me down and every single way possible. Said that he was at the point where he almost couldn’t stand me and dreaded coming home. Told me that I did not deserve the ground that I walk on.. and several other things.. he left, and went no contact. He left his wedding ring, immediately stopped, sharing his location, and made his Facebook profile look like I didn’t exist. I tried texting and was left on read.. had no idea where he was.. nothing. I sent him a video of our son blowing kisses saying “hi daddy” and still no response. He finally texted me on Friday and told me that this no longer was his home. He was betrayed in this house and it’s nothing to him.. I threw everything away. All of the good times in our relationship doesn’t matter and as far as he’s concerned, the only thing I am to him is his son‘s mother.. and he is the only thing that we have ever shared.

He has said a lot more evil things, but you get the picture. I poured my heart out, and asked what I could do to help him heal… he then replied with the screenshots that he received and said that I don’t have the ability to heal, only destroy. He has since come to our home and collected all of his clothes. He didn’t say a word to me while he was here. I have not seen or heard from him since.. and he has probably spent a total of four hours with our son in the 21 days he’s been gone. He will only visit our son when my mother-in-law has him. Our son cries for his daddy all the time.

I am in shambles, have lost about 22 pounds due to not being able to keep anything down, I can’t sleep.. all I do is pray. I’m terrified because I don’t know where he is or who he’s with. I don’t know if he’s warm or if he’s eaten. I miss him so much that I can barely stand to be in our home myself. I am trying to be as strong as possible for our son.. but it’s getting to the point where he is suffering as well. His entire family is devastated about the whole thing, as is mine.

I understand that my actions were despicable.. I was just in a really bad headspace and in there alone.. that’s no excuse for what I did but I feel like it’s important.. regardless of what led up to it- it happened. I cannot change it, but I have done absolutely everything that I can to move forward. He has access to everything, I share my location, I answer questions, and if he has a moment where it really gets to him, I shower him with love and reassurance. I don’t understand what went wrong almost 5 months later.. and how he could essentially abandon his family and go on a hiatus. Everyone involved on both sides of our family is praying for a miracle because they know that this is out of character for my husband.

I really don’t know what the point of making this post is, I guess that I’m just begging for insight from a third-party.. everyone that I’ve talked to about it agrees that what I did was very bad.. but they also said that it did not warrant everything that has occurred, and that he needs to reflect on what lead to the event, and work on himself as well.. As for me, I feel like everything is all my fault, and I absolutely hate myself for hurting the one that I love more than anything, as well as our families. What are your thoughts? Insight? Anything?