I'm actually a failure

TW: internalized transphobia?, self-hatred in general

Why can't I just accept my fucking body like everyone else around me does? I'm sick and tired of feeling like a weirdo. No one in my family is trans or queer. Why me? Am I just mentally ill? Being cis seems like heaven.. yet it's the normalest to these people. I feel like I'm less valuable because I'm trans. I feel like I can't allow myself to have the same standards and boundaries that cis people have.

I have zero talents, bad grades and I can't even be a woman. I don't meet anyone's expectations of me.. I'm just disappointing everyone including myself.

I will transition to a man that half the world won't see as a man, that has no penis and never will have one. And I will probably be celibate because I don't trust anyone to still like me after seeing my body unless they have a fetish. I'm not sure if I can live a life like this. I'm so confused why God does this to people. Why do some people get put in the wrong bodies to have a lifetime full of suffering only to die and rot in hell afterwards? Is this a punishment?

Being cis seems like a privilege.. yet it's the normalest to these people. I feel like I'm less valuable because I'm trans. I feel like I can't allow myself to have the same standards and boundaries that cis people have.

Btw I'm so sorry for this vent.. I don't have anyone else to talk to. Therapy is expensive if you don't wanna wait forever. And my parents think you can overcome depression without therapy.