I'm autistic and I have adhd

I took an iq test last year

Before 2024, I always called myself stupid and kept on thinking I wasn't good enough. I didn't really do well academically. I have anxiety and depression and I easily get triggered. Even the smallest things could cause me to lose focus for the whole day. I also have ADHD and Autism. I thought I was stupid or something but last year I took a real IQ Test and scored 130 (98th percentile). I was kind of surprised.

Last year I was really depressed because I suspected that I had autism which I started blaming myself for existing and I looked back on the ways I were treated in the past. I was bullied physically and verbally in school. I am also very insecure and no matter how hard I try to talk to people, I keep thinking that nobody wants to talk to me or maybe that all my efforts of trying to interact with people are mostly useless. People gave me the advice to start the conversation but everytime I do, I make things awkward. "Autistic" is such a common insult, usually used as an alternate word for "stupid" and that makes me feel very angry when I hear my peers use the word. It makes me feel like a joke. Most of my peers think that autistic people = stupid, but that isn't true. I've always tried to be kind to people around me and always tried to seek out opportunities to help others. However, it just seems like everytime I do such a thing, it probably isn't even worth it. I feel happy when I help someone, but when it fails or when I try to help and it doesn't work, I become upset.

Due to me being autistic and stuff, I would act very strangely in school. I would stand under the sun during lunch, all alone. I know I'm not attention seeking, it just seemed like it's something I'm supposed to do and I don't know why I feel that way. It felt like I deserved to be punished but many of the times I don't understand why. This led to people making fun of me behind my back. Nowadays, I spend my lunch playing the piano instead.

16 April, 2024. I attempted suicide and was sent to the mental hospital, where I spent a night there. I was triggered after someone used a word that I used on my WhatsApp status when I was venting. Which led me to think about alot of stuff. I was in school and so during class I wrote down a note. Due to me being weak, it was easy to pull me back from the railing as I ran towards it and attempted to climb and jump. I'm very light and when more people were able to pull me back, someone was able to carry me back to class while I was screaming to let me die. I heard someone laughing about it as it happened and a few friends told me that people were joking about my attempt after I took a few weeks break from school. I feel like a joke. I feel frustrated and angry. I keep seeing and hearing the voices of my peers in my head, not physically, but mentally. The voices and thoughts are really loud and annoying.

I wasn't really interested in studying and stuff. It's like, I choose what I want to be interested in or something. When I was young (when I was 6 and below), I would search up about science stuff, mainly about space. It was a very interesting thing to me. Sometimes I would randomly do calculations and remember random numbers in my head for no reason, and I still do that.

I don't know what to say, I just felt like typing all this out. None of my peers have really called me smart before.

I am slowly recovering. It's currently late at night at the time I''m typing this. If there are any grammar errors, sorry, I didn't check through this. This is also my first post on this subreddit. I hope you all would have a good day ahead. Sorry if the way I wrote this is really messy and stuff. My thoughts are just all over the place and I feel tired.