Husband’s Porn Use

My husband (32m) and I (29f) have been together for 9 years. We got married a few years ago but I have always thought we had a very strong relationship. We pride ourselves on communication. 

Having gotten together at a young age, we have changed and grown together a lot over the course of our relationship. When we were new into our relationship, the topic of porn came up and I mentioned that it made me feel uncomfortable and/or self-conscious because I wondered why he would want to look at other women. That being said, we grew up a bit and my opinion on porn/masturbation changed and I’ve told him that. We’ve talked about the fact that we both masturbate, in addition to having sex with each other. I’ve talked with him about reading erotica and even trying audio porn a handful of times. Whenever I asked if he ever watched porn or did anything like that, he steadfastly maintained that he did not.

This morning, while working on his laptop to file our taxes, I was looking for a document and came across photos and videos that he had saved of women from OnlyFans. After initially denying that he didn’t know what they were, he did quickly own up that he has watched porn for the majority of our relationship. He said that he has a porn addiction. We sat down and I asked him a lot of questions. 

I’m trying to keep a very level head, but I am hurt—primarily by the fact that he lied to me. I feel like I have been open and honest, talking about sexuality and he hasn’t. I’m also struggling to trust that he’s been honest when talking about it. 

Separately, I’m also trying to grapple with how I feel about finding the photos. I do feel like the fact that he saved photos & videos to his computer is different than browsing online. That these were women he was more specifically interested in. Am I being hypocritical here? Have my opinions really not changed that much about porn when push comes to shove? 

I’m just looking for some advice and was hoping to find it anonymously. Thanks in advance.