We need to stop seeing our parents as gods (Long post)

Maybe this is a bit too personal for the internet, but I am writing this just in case someone wants to hear. It is long, but please read to the end.

Me and my mom fought again, and I talked to my dad. This has happened so many times before, she hurts me and I run to my father in reflection.

Now I don't get so sad, because I am desensitized. He talked and I now understand some things much more clearly.

Your parents actions aren't uniquely cruel, they aren't uniquely cruel to you, and their abuse comes from a worldview they have that doesn't work. A worldview that is inherently abusive, coupled up with poor character traits. My mother doesn't self reflect, she is stubborn from her own trauma, was socialized improperly, and the world has told her that now that she has a kid she is fit to raise us however she wishes. Nigerian culture has taught her parents can do no wrong to a child, so therefore her parents justified in their abuse. It has also taught her that mental health isn't real. My mother and father both have extreme anxiety, and paranoid thinking; They refuse to get help because Nigerian society was never equipped to help them in their formative years. The way the scapegoat is treated, I've noticed, always seems to stem from a larger problem within a given society. The female child is victimized because of misogyny, the disabled child because of ableism, the dark child because of colourism, the child that questions, or stands up, or speaks loudly, or is bold, or is unique, or has any other trait society is against.

This world is not just, and does not care for you. I feel like we as people want the best for ourselves, most just want to live happy lives. We spend all our lives within our brains, mulling over our intentions hoping people will see our us how we see ourselves; But that is not the world we live in, we live in a world that does not care for us. Justice does not happen unless you make it happen. God be my witness if I do not take this advice I give for you here. To all of you who read this: If you wish to leave your abusive parents then go. They will not suddenly change, your fantasies will never come true. It is unjust what was done to you, but you will die one day so do not waste this life vying for a love that only might come. People are passive becuase we as a culture (globally) have raised kids to be passive, "children are to be seen and not heard," adults don't suddenly shug off that mentaliy when they come of age. The traumatized child within you will always be there, and that is unjust, but you must know you have no power to change the past, and back then you had no power to change your present.

Our parents are still the passive children they once were, and live in constant mental turmoil as a result. My mother still has insomnia, from her childhood over 40 years ago. Wallahi it is the saddest thing to see. All because she has remained in that passive state, hoping the world will give her the happy family she always wanted. She has never taken a step to relieve herself of this affliction because she is so tethered to a mentality that hurts her. Instead she lashes out at me for exposing the flaws she doesn't want to see. Healing will be painful, but not healing is death.

You can become your parents very easily. Never be fooled for even an instant and assume that you are intrinsically a better person. Out of my 3 points this is the most import one. The most heinous people on this Earth were all once children, are all still human, and all have justifications for their crimes. Never for an instant dehumanize your parents, because that is what your parents did for theirs. They either glorified or demonized them and in the process forgot the important lessons scattered throughout their childhoods. They assumed that justice will hold them and they will be moved in their heart to do better. I guess that is why they usually say that they were better than their parents, and I am moved to say that they are usually right about that: But they forget that better doesn't mean good. We can be better than our parents by not dehumanizing them, by seeing the nuance in their actions.

Maya Angelou has a very quote aboht this, "then I did what I knew to do, but now I know better so I do better." The word doing is always lost, we fixate on the "knowing" aspect of the conversation assuming doing will come after. That isn't the truth though, we must work to do better. I am going to share something very personal, that I hope will shed further light about what doing better looks like. When I was 11 I used to hit my dog. I did this because my parents had mercilessly beat me as a child, they'd taught me that beating was the only way to teach. The horrific thing thing is that I'd already realized beating was wrong, and had figured out my parents were abusive. It didn't penetrate my heart though, because in the heat of the moment when my dog would act aggressively, my parents' voices would whisper, "you are embarrassing this is shameful." I would be filled with shame that would quickly become anger, which I'd unleash onto my poor animal. I stopped this when I realized I was acting like my parents and I had to gradyally teach myself to stop hitting my dog. Now I will catch you here, you assume my dog has become better no? She hasn't, as I said the world is not just. Not everything is a storybook. My dog never needed to be better, to stop acting like a dog. All I needed to do was develop my grace and patience. To he the animal's loving foundation so that eventually she can eventually be better.

You must constantly have grace for yourself becuase it's the only way self reflection will truly penetrate your heart. I remember trying to change my actions towards my dog through shame alone, but that never worked. The fact that it never worked shocked me deeply. Only a mixture shame and forgiveness towards myself worked. That forgiveness towards myself eventually translated into grace towards my dog. Imagine if I had lacked that reflection...I know for sure that I would've beaten my kids and not broken the cycle.

Be humble. Your parents are just people, and you are just a person. When people say that you should understand your parents are just people they usually mean that in the shitty way where thy're trying to coerce you into forgiving them. Do not be hasty to forgive, it takes time and you cannot compel yourself to forgive. Us abused children who know we were abused, still glorify our parents by thinking they are uniquely evil. They are just people and I swear since I realised this I have stopped taking the things they say to heart. Do this by learning of their history and trauma, educating yourself on psychology online, and understanding narcissistic abuse. The understanding that comes from it is like night and day. Now be humble and forgive yourself too, love yourself, shower yourself in kindness. Whenever I do bad on a test I get myself a treat, to remind myself I am a good person who deserves nice things. Be kind to yourself you want to do good and you can.

Your parents also saw you as a God. They had poor self esteem, wanted you to be perfect in the ways they never could, and got mad when you weren't. Shrug that voice in your head off and hold your head high. Do not read this message and be ashamed, or jealous, or angry, or scared. The only way to heal I've found, is to he hopeful. So few people im this world have hope and faith in themselves. Do not add to their number.

Goodbye, have a happy holidays

Edit: spelling and grammar