Venting again

I didn't want to resort to Reddit venting again but here I am. My bf said j could vent to his mom, I asked her but she never replies to my texts unless she's drunk, so I'm not expecting an answer.

Today was really good, I thought I was going to be depressed today but it was a good day mostly, I had some anger due to hunger but it calmed down after a car ride. Bf and I got back to the house, wrapped some presents. I started feeling dizzy and been nauseous all day. I finally got sick, it was mostly foamy because I haven't ate yet but also had a tiny bit of blood. My bf said that's normal but he's a guy and never been a father before this so how does he know lol. Anyways, it scared me bc Ive had a miscarriage before and I'm feeling physically not good. My stomach and back hurts daily, my chest is starting to hurt again basically only in one breast. I'm getting dizzy at nighttimes, and nautous throughout the day and gagging. The blood part worried me because yesterday when I got sick there wasn't any but tonight there was. I'm getting paranoid that I might disappoint my bf and have another miscarriage and then go into a bad episode due to it.

He bought me a big load of mcD because I haven't ate today and didn't have dinner yesterday, and I was excited to have it, but then after I got sick I looked at my body and just see so much fat and I'm disgusted. I've had restricted eating issues most of my life but lately I've been doing really good eating when I want or when my bf wants or just whenever, and today I thought I looked ok, I hid my belly well but for some reason my legs triggered me so have really negative mean feelings. Now I know I'm going to be really hungry later tonight so I need to atleast get the bag out of the car for i can midnight eat, but the feelings of fat is preventing me from doing that ATM.

My main two symptoms currently seems to be utter confusion and tears. Everyday I'm forgetting so much, even after a few minutes of being told something I'll need it repeated multiple times. My bf is helping by writing down a lot of lists and saying nothing's wrong when I apologize for it, but I feel so stupid.

As for the tears, I already am incredibly emotional, but today and yesterday, maybe more than those 2 days but I can't remember, I keep crying every few hours. It can either be a breakdown where I'm sobbing or it can be just a few tears slipping out for a few minutes until I suddenly feel stupid and stop crying. My bf says my confusion and emotions are my normal amount but to me it feels like they're happening more.

My brain is spiraling currently about how I'm a horrible gf, I'm not attractive, I'm a waste of space. Ect. Which extra sucks because today was actually a good day where we were happy I think.

Writing this, I am starting to get hungry again, but I pretty much know once I do grab the food I'm just going to not want it again.

All I want is to be loved on and reassured and not feel like a burden but I feel like such a bother that I've locked myself in another room to lay down and vent all this.

And one extra piece of sadness and annoyance to share, I relooked at my messages on here. One message is from a friend I made on this group. One message was from a guy who had a "intense pregnancy kink" which grossed me out, I'm not looking to talk like that and knowing a guy found me from this group grosses me out. And third, a message from a mother saying I should give my baby up for adoption. I know I'm unstable, but I'm working on it. It sucks that it feels like no one understands how hard I am trying. I'm trying for my baby, I'm trying for me, I'm trying to not give my baby a bad life and to not repeat trauma, I'm trying to be a good gf for my man. I'm trying!! And I'm not giving this baby up, pregnancy is scary and so much work but I'm not freaking giving up!!.