Husband and NC Mother-in-Law - grandchild - need advice

My husband has chosen to go NC with his mom. His mom is a former school psychologist ironically so is her ex-husband (my husband’s bio dad). As his partner I fully support his decision in however he chooses to communicate with his bio family just as I know he has done for me with mine over the years. Even as a trained professional, I don’t think his mother ever really listened to him and wrote it off his feelings of anger or some other misaligned assessment with coming from the frame of reference “I’m a psychologist”… many of the pitfalls that his dad has had in the past also being a school psychologist. Is it possible for a narcissist to be a psychologist? Anyway, I’ll continue…

My husband and I welcomed our first child into the world who’s just over one year old. I’m having intense guilt over my mother-in-law not being able to see her grandchild since the events outlined here:

We started out after his birth being in contact. She was a part of an ultrasound appointment, one of the first to hold our child. Things seemed to be okay for the first 6-7 months of our child’s life. The tipping point for my husband was when I was going on a work trip where MIL words say “let me know how I can help,” but her actions did not follow suit.

My husband mentioned that he reached out to his mom about helping out while I was away since that would have been most helpful, but instead she wanted to have our son for a visit with her and one of her friends the same day that I was returning from my work trip (I mainly breastfeed so reuniting was important). His mom insisted it would be for the benefit of our son, but this was not, it was for her. Something she wanted. As this was the first time my husband had our son all by himself for consecutive nights, he was hoping that his mom would understand that but instead she wanted what she wanted and kept pushing.

Going back from this, my husband started to think about instances where in his childhood he felt mislead, mislabeled and put into a box based on a rigid way of categorizing things with her psychologist lens. Now him having this tiny little human as his responsibility (especially as primary caretaker, my husband is a SAHD) he could not understand how that happened to him and began looking inward to see the traumas he experienced in the circumstance he was born into.

My husband’s mom and dad divorced just before his birth and his mom became primary caretaker. One major trauma was she labeled our husband as troubled, ADHD, a “bad kid,” etc. My husband believes it was a narrative that he thinks helped his mom cope with subconsciously not really wanting him in the picture and a convenient label for a primary parent who wanted a kid who could sit still and be quiet.

The scary thing for us as parents is that MIL started putting these labels, maybe jokingly, on a not even 6 month old at dinner and that raised a huge red flag for me. My husband and I have a really hard time with diagnosing a child with ADHD, but it seems completely ridiculous to apply that diagnosis to a 6 month old.

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD at the height of diagnoses and now full grown adults are beginning to understand the impact of this categorization as well as the ramifications of being put on a stimulant at such a young age. My husband is coming to terms with the consequences of these labels and medicating. This is important healing.

From our son’s birth, my husband was also hoping that his sister (his sister shares mother but not father) would have had a chance to be more involved as his Aunt. They were becoming closer and when his sister came to visit after birth, my husband had asked her to stay with us to help. She originally said yes, but then MIL got involved and had her stay with her because it’s what she wanted. This hurt both of us.

Regarding NC and MIL not seeing grandchild. I have been shouldering the burden of being the middle person with my marriage and family being my top priority. Every time she texts me I’m reminded of this estrangement but I cannot do anything here. I cannot fix anything or force anything. I have to respect my husband’s feelings and let him heal.

I feel sad and guilty that there’s now a grandchild in the picture and I feel like I’ve robbed her of any of that time, but I also cannot be in the middle so I can be the best wife and mother I can be. What do I do here? I’m at a loss and feel awful and guilty.

EDIT: I’ve had a few thoughts that have been prompted by discussion and because it sounds like there are parallel experiences I hope sharing additional context might be useful for others.

It was not until after we had a child that my husband had these realizations about what she is. How she is a textbook but covert narcissist. I think having a child accelerated this awareness in both of us. Some have mentioned the need or instinct to protect kicking in. I think that’s exactly what happened here. I want to be clear that we have no intention of bringing her back into our child’s lives.

What prompted me to post this and reach out for advice is that my anxiety became so overwhelming over the holidays and has not stopped. MIL guilted us into Thanksgiving because my husband’s sister was in town and she does not visit often which was the first contact since late July. Both my husband and I regret that decision as her approach is to never accept an outcome that’s undesirable to her and to use every inch she’s given to try to gain more leverage.

Since Thanksgiving she has been contacting both of us about Christmas, which we declined and then our son’s Christmas gifts, which we were notified that she “had a boatload of presents to give him and wanted to do so while they were still age appropriate.” MIL’s sister, my husband’s Aunt, is really close to my husband and she has been begging him to see his mother “for her”… since she’s so sad to see her sister sad and that’s how Thanksgiving happened as well as some of these other points of contact. My husband asked me to communicate, but that’s what I mean by being in “the middle”. He’s feeling pressure from other family about not speaking to his mom.

MIL insisted on dropping off our son’s gifts today, neither of us have her blocked yet…

We have not blocked a family member, but it’s been in discussion. I think that today has proven that is the only solution.

We told her to leave the gifts on the porch and we would get them. She rings the doorbell several times while we’re all napping. I get a text “can you open the door we don’t want to leave them in the snow”. I get the door so naps can continue. What do I say where do I begin right? I was going to say “Happy New Year” and she cuts me off at “Happy” and then goes angrily “yeah, yeah happy” and shuts the door hard.

I think both my husband and I have learned is that NC means NC. Clear and cut. That if we get pressure from other family members we cannot let that impact our decision.