My (39F) husband (41M) does not feel any responsibility to provide financially for our family. Can we save this marriage?

My husband (41M) and I (39F) have two toddlers, aged almost 2 and 3.5. We got pregnant within a year of dating, so most of our relationship has been with pregnancy and young kids.

He was living at his parents house when we met, huge red flag that I ignored, but he seemed to have goals so I let it slide. I have always had higher earning jobs (in finance and tech), while he was not making very much but he always had ideas about how to make money/invest in real estate etc.

I had two very difficult pregnancies, which included anxiety/depression/rage symptoms similar to PPD. I made it clear to him that I did not want to be the breadwinner for our family while our children were young as I wanted to spend as much time at home with them while they were babies. 

His idea was to quit his job as an insurance agent to start a real estate business with 100K he got from his mom. I work from home so I was able to see what he was doing all day to get this business going which was absolutely nothing. He spent the money on get rich quick schemes, spent his days playing computer games, getting massages, and getting drunk (he is an alcoholic but refuses to acknowledge it). The money was gone within 10 months. At that point I was 6 months pregnant with our second and begged him to get a job so that I could take an extra 3 months unpaid maternity leave on top of my paid 3 months leave so that I could have our baby home for 6 months before daycare. He refused. He told me that I didn't deserve it (I was very ragey during pregnancy and not nice to him about him being a deadbeat during this time) and that since my job was "easy" (he considers it easy since I work from home, but it can be quite stressful as I have to make big decisions about our codebase) that I should be the one to financially provide.

We almost got a divorce at this point, talked to divorce laywers and everything but decided to try to stick it out so we didn't have to split custody of such young children. He finally tried looking for jobs, but couldn't find anything that made money. Spent way too long attempting solar sales, ended up spending more money than he made. Then got a job doing some other sales position, also commission, made basically no money. So now we're on year 3 of me being the only income earner for our very young family, which is extremely stressful but he just doesn't see why that would be stressful for me or seem to appreciate me at all for it. I am also the primary/preferred parent, I do most of the house work and cleaning as he just doesn't see mess (he has ADHD). He does cook so that's the main contribution he makes.

He just recently got another sales position that seems like it has the potential for him to make a decent amount of money, he's been doing it for a few weeks but no money yet. I am just at a loss for how to make this work if this job doesn't pan out. How long do I wait around for him to start contributing financially? I don't want to rip our family apart just because I don't want to be the breadwinner. I can do it, I just have no respect for my husband because of it. When I see men posting stuff about feeling proud of providing for their family so that their wives can put all their focus onto their children, I yearn for having a husband with those values. But I also know that I missed the boat on that, and even if we get a divorce and I find someone else, that person won't be the father of my kids so it's not the same. I don't even feel like I want another partner, I just want to be alone and raise my kids without having this extra person to take care of.

What would you do in this situation? Any insight from people who may understand things from his perspective? It is very difficult to talk to him without him getting defensive.